he wants to bone in the snuggie
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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