there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
