ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Randomize
