those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
dude. I can hear the air.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
