did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
