At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
