I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
