i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Girls should come with a carfax report
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
