dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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