So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
