you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
