I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
