i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
