Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
