Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
