My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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