so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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