I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
