Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
