She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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