I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
