have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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