Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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