I will die if light touches me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
