She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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