I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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