i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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