this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You're a waste of cheezeits
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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