I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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