his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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