I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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