At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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