1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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