If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
