brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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