you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Randomize