I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
