The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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