I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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