its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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