I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
