i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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