Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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