Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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