Sorry, I don't speak sober.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
