Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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