he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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