can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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