Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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