I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
