Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
