I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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