Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
