I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
