Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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