You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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