I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
