I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We have started to decorate penises.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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