It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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